Seriously, it's obvious to everyone by now that this blog will be updated infrequently at best. The chances of you being actually entertained while reading it even if it were updated regularly were slim at best.
That's why you should check out Will's blog over at SharkFinHat. His poem "Ode To My Headache" had me literally laughing out loud.
Not that bullshit "LOL" comment that really means someone smiled at their computer at someone else's cleverness. No. I really did laugh audibly while reading it.
Check it out and have a laugh yourself.
Cary
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Sunday, January 25, 2009
So I finished writing the first draft of my horror novel this weekend...
That's pretty much it. I don't have anything else to say.
What did you do?
What did you do?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
An EXPLICIT Reverie Concerning Schoolyard Songs From My Past
***OKAY, HERE'S YOUR WARNING. THERE'S GRAPHIC LANGUAGE IN THE FOLLOWING POST. BY GRAPHIC LANGUAGE, I MEAN REALLY, REALLY BAD WORDS. THEY ARE WORDS NONETHELESS AND I FIND THEM TO BE GENERALLY HARMLESS, HOWEVER I'M SURE SOME OF YOU WHO READ THIS WILL NOT APPROVE. DEAL WITH IT OR SKIP IT. IT'S YOUR CALL. ***
I've written before about my brain's amazing ability to remember absolutely useless things and then bring them up at inopportune times. None may be more useless than this.
If you went to a public school, then beginning at around 4th or 5th grade, you started hearing some pretty dirty songs on the school grounds. Perhaps you even made some up, like my friends and I did. Anyway, the idea was that you took an existing song and changed the lyrics up to be a little more racy... or in some cases downright pornographic.
When I was in junior high school, my friends Richard Jerrell, Kevin Williams and I took this from a fun way to pass time before class to an art form. I blame learning the lyrics to Sugar Hill Gang's "Rapper's Delight". Once we heard the line "He may satisfy you with his little worm, but I can bust you out with my Super Sperm" it was like the muse descended upon us.
We began changing lyrics to songs on the radio almost immediately.
Kevin's lasting contribution to the genre was to change the lyrics of The Steve Miller Band's "Abracadabra". His version took Miller's craptacularly mediocre song and made us laugh every time we heard it.
I see the magic in your eyes
I feel the magic in between your thighs
Silk and satin, leather and lace
Black panties with your mama's face
Richard Jerrell took Joe Walsh's "Life's Been Good" and penned this gem (which still pops in my head every time I hear the song).
My Masaradi does 184
Stopped at a red light to pick up a whore
We went to my place and got into bed
I popped my rubber and came on her head
Ah... and they say american schools don't teach enough appreciation of the arts.
The king of all of them, though, is one I'm not sure who to give credit to. It may be that this was so old that it had been handed down on the school grounds for years and years. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that it crawled into my skull and took up valuable space that could have been used for something else much more useful.
Here's an example, drawn from real life.
Say you are in the military and have taken leave from your station in Japan to visit a friend. Your friend is stationed in the Phillipines. You're only going to be there for three days and for one of those days, your friend has lined up an opportunity for you to go boogie boarding. You haven't been boogie boarding since you left Florida three years before. This sounds sweet. What makes it sweeter is that while he's never been there before, he's heard that the place he's going to take you is isolated. No lineup to contend with, no crowds, just you, a few others and some waves and a small ice chest full of beer.
Now, let's say that you and your friend decide to take a shortcut to said beach and that you unknowingly trespass on someone's land who does not like trespassers. It would probably have been infinitely more useful to know enough Tagalog to say, "Please put down the gun. We don't want to steal anything. We want to surf."
Instead, as I looked down the barrel of a shotgun held by a ragingly paranoid Filipino woman, my brain offered up the following in an effort to deal with the situation.
(sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
A long time ago there was a man named Jed
Crazy motherfucker wore a rubber on his head
Then one day when he was screwing Mary Lou
Up from the bed came a bubblin' spew
Jizz that is.
White Gold.
Baby Juice.
You know, it's amazing I lived past the age of 23.
I've written before about my brain's amazing ability to remember absolutely useless things and then bring them up at inopportune times. None may be more useless than this.
If you went to a public school, then beginning at around 4th or 5th grade, you started hearing some pretty dirty songs on the school grounds. Perhaps you even made some up, like my friends and I did. Anyway, the idea was that you took an existing song and changed the lyrics up to be a little more racy... or in some cases downright pornographic.
When I was in junior high school, my friends Richard Jerrell, Kevin Williams and I took this from a fun way to pass time before class to an art form. I blame learning the lyrics to Sugar Hill Gang's "Rapper's Delight". Once we heard the line "He may satisfy you with his little worm, but I can bust you out with my Super Sperm" it was like the muse descended upon us.
We began changing lyrics to songs on the radio almost immediately.
Kevin's lasting contribution to the genre was to change the lyrics of The Steve Miller Band's "Abracadabra". His version took Miller's craptacularly mediocre song and made us laugh every time we heard it.
I see the magic in your eyes
I feel the magic in between your thighs
Silk and satin, leather and lace
Black panties with your mama's face
Richard Jerrell took Joe Walsh's "Life's Been Good" and penned this gem (which still pops in my head every time I hear the song).
My Masaradi does 184
Stopped at a red light to pick up a whore
We went to my place and got into bed
I popped my rubber and came on her head
Ah... and they say american schools don't teach enough appreciation of the arts.
The king of all of them, though, is one I'm not sure who to give credit to. It may be that this was so old that it had been handed down on the school grounds for years and years. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is that it crawled into my skull and took up valuable space that could have been used for something else much more useful.
Here's an example, drawn from real life.
Say you are in the military and have taken leave from your station in Japan to visit a friend. Your friend is stationed in the Phillipines. You're only going to be there for three days and for one of those days, your friend has lined up an opportunity for you to go boogie boarding. You haven't been boogie boarding since you left Florida three years before. This sounds sweet. What makes it sweeter is that while he's never been there before, he's heard that the place he's going to take you is isolated. No lineup to contend with, no crowds, just you, a few others and some waves and a small ice chest full of beer.
Now, let's say that you and your friend decide to take a shortcut to said beach and that you unknowingly trespass on someone's land who does not like trespassers. It would probably have been infinitely more useful to know enough Tagalog to say, "Please put down the gun. We don't want to steal anything. We want to surf."
Instead, as I looked down the barrel of a shotgun held by a ragingly paranoid Filipino woman, my brain offered up the following in an effort to deal with the situation.
(sung to the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies Theme Song)
A long time ago there was a man named Jed
Crazy motherfucker wore a rubber on his head
Then one day when he was screwing Mary Lou
Up from the bed came a bubblin' spew
Jizz that is.
White Gold.
Baby Juice.
You know, it's amazing I lived past the age of 23.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Why I Love Digital Music!
I'm a music nut as many of you know. For the longest time I was always on the lookout for the coolest new artists and trying to be ahead of the pop culture curve. About a year ago, I became disenchanted with that and stopped looking for new music altogether. My focus became going back and listening to old favorites and things I hadn't appreciated before.
Thus I began giving second chances to artists like Warren Zevon, Bruce Springsteen and Screamin' Jay Hawkins. These were all artists that other people had recommended to me but who I just never ‘clicked’ with.
Dropping out of the "new music" discovery scene was a good thing. However, it was a big step for me because once you do it, there’s no going back. The fact is, when you go from being neck deep in music blogs, trading networks and band e-mail lists to nothing at all, you lose your instinct to recognize emerging trends. Your "cool meter" gets severely out of whack and recallibrating it is almost impossible.
For someone like me, that was a huge step to take, but honestly I'm glad I did. The reason being I have spent the last eight months digging deeper and deeper into the past and in doing so, I've discovered the real reason digital music is the best thing for music lovers since the invention of the phonograph.
For most of you, this is going to start out as a boring history lesson that you already know but stick with me for the next few paragraphs.
If you’re old enough to remember when CDs first hit the market, you’ll remember that everyone was anxious for the record companies to begin releasing "classic" albums. Those first few years were filled with anticipation for albums by The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix, Miles Davis, etc. These were albums many people already owned but the record companies knew that people would buy them again because finally CD’s offered audio clarity. While I read a number of articles in the late 1980’s about how the digital music “revolution” had begun, in retrospect nothing could have been further from the truth.
It was when the power shifted from the record companies to the listeners themselves that the true revolution began. When MP3's began taking off and (more importantly) the technology to convert CD, cassette and vinyl music to MP3 became more easily accessible… that’s when the real digital revolution began.
Now, it doesn’t matter if an artist won’t sell 100,000 copies of an album. Anyone can release anything at all through a number of different online channels and people will be able to hear it and appreciate it all over the world.
“Yeah, I know that Cary. That’s why all those upstart bands in garages in my neighborhood all think they’re the next big thing.”
A-HA! But you’re missing my point. I don’t give two shits about that band. I give two shits about the people who are now taking old 45’s and 78’s from decades ago and are converting them to MP3 for mass consumption. THAT’S where the digital revolution is playing a more important historical part than I believe anyone ever imagined.
Everyone was looking to “the future” but in fact the digital revolution has opened up a window to our musical past. Where before, you would have to hope that a record company might see fit to pull together a collection of popular music from the 30’s and 40’s, now, a private collector somewhere can make his own compilation and share it online for free.
Sure, the audio quality may suffer but in many cases, that doesn't really matter. What matters is that music previously available only to a handful of collectors is now available to the masses. Suddenly, I’m listening to a scratchy recording of a barbershop quartet singing "Cocksucker's Ball" from the 1940s. A song, I might add, that would never, ever have seen the light of day if left up to a record company to press to CD.
Which is where my current musical obsession comes in. I've found myself reaching further and further into the past for music instead of searching for the next big thing. My quest has brought me some fantastic finds via MP3 compilations of hard to find music.
In the last eight months, I've been neck deep in releases by Arthur Lyman (world exotica from the 1950s), garage band finds from the Lux and Ivy's Favorites compilations and now, my new favorite, Music from the 30's and 40's volumes 1 - 5.
This latest is music that many of you may have even heard behind classic films from the same era. For instance, when I heard "Oh Mama!" for the first time, I immediately thought of watching a Three Stooges Episode where a nice dinner/dance turns into a pie throwing fiasco. Hearing "Ziguener, You Have Stolen My Heart" by Sidney Lipton and his Orchestra made me think back to adventure/horror films like "Son of Kong" where it seemed like throwing a gratuitous musical number into the mix was a filmmaking law at the time.
More importantly though, this music is all still pretty cool in its own way. These are not the Lawrence Welk crowd's songs, all schmaltz and polyester. These are artists in their prime who are experimenting with "state of the art" recording technology and playing new compositions (not old standards). The performances are lively and fun and there's an innocence and exhuberance here that I haven’t heard anywhere else.
So, while it's sad in some ways to see the music industry go down in flames thanks to digital downloading, I have to say I'm not actually that heartbroken over it. After all, instead of only having approximately 30 - 40 years of music available via CD stores or online ordering, now there is almost 80 years worth of tunes available to explore with only the price of a quick internet connection, a laptop and an iPod.
That seems like a decent tradeoff to me.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
Bigfoot: A dissertation on why I'm a 9-year-old in my head
Let's get a few things straight up front.
I don't believe in UFO Conspiracies. Roswell has a logical explanation (Project Mogul if you're interested). Besides, the government can't even run a war without screwing things up and leaking information everywhere. There's no way they could consistently cover up something as big as having UFOs in a hangar somewhere.
I don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster. That lake has been sonar scanned to death and it's just not possible for a dinosaur to live off the amount of food living in it. That Scots are seeing monsters in lakes does not surprise me one bit given the potency of their fine, fine whiskeys.
Fairies, elves, 50-foot snakes, honest politicians, the right of pre-emptive war, giant spiders, trolls, etc. are all completely ridiculous and there's no way in hell they exist.
However... I think Bigfoot is real. So is Mokele Mbembe if you're wondering.
Why do I think this?
Well because scientifically, they haven't been completely ruled out yet. That means that technically it's still possible that they exist and honestly, that's enough for me.
Now, that may not seem important to you, but to me it's more important than almost anything else! You see, one of the things that I'm personally conflicted over is reconciling my need to absorb as much information as possible with my desire to still live in a world where there is at least some sense of mystery.
So I believe Bigfoot is real because I want to believe it's real.
When I was a kid (in the 1970s for those keeping score) Bigfoot went nationwide as a phenomenon. Sightings were in the papers, books were written and were best sellers, people I knew in Florida swore to me that they'd seen similar things in the swamps when hunting. All of this sparked my imagination like nothing else. It didn't matter if everyone was lying or not. The fact was, I thought there was something out there that was new and undiscovered and it consumed me.
There's a lot of unspoiled wilderness still left out there. There are plenty
of places where people still say they've encountered something they can't explain and there are plenty of scientists who, while stating they don't actually believe Bigfoot exists, do concede that if it did exist, it would be able to survive in these areas.
The thought that something that big could remain undiscovered in the age of satellite imagery, laser beams and internet pornography really sparks my inner 9-year-old.
Which is exactly why I think it's imperative that a small group of us go looking for it.
Let me explain myself. There are all kinds of people out there who are looking to find this thing for all the wrong reasons. My favorite to read about can be found at www.bfro.net . Here's a link to a sighting just this past November that takes place mere miles from where I grew up. It's all very matter of fact, claims are properly investigated and the research is scientifically founded, but they rarely come up with anything beyond footprints and they only occasionally get those.
While I admire their dedication, there's no way I'd go out with them to look for one of these things. Mainly because they're way too serious and honestly, a little on the douchey side.
I want to reiterate that I'm not in this to bring back physical proof of bigfoot and make a name for myself. I just want to see one, hopefully while sober and then walk away. That's why I'm proposing a full on expedition by complete amateurs who only want to hike, camp and have fun... but just do it in an area where people have seen Bigfoot.
You see, I have a theory. After reading multiple accounts of sightings, I've come to the conclusion that if we act like we don't want to see one, apparently we'll be partying with them in no time. Once that happens, we can offer them a couple of drinks, maybe trade funny stories about scaring the shit out of campers and then they go their way and we can head back to civilization.
It's essentially a foolproof plan and as you can see, I've put a ton of thought into it.
There are a number of places we can go if we want to find some of these things, including northern California, Washington, Texas and Arkansas. There's even that kickass fish camp up in Canada that Monsterquest spent time at. That place is practically crawling with them but it's hard to get to.
I'm inclined to want to go somewhere here on the West Coast but that's because it's easier for me, but I'm open to suggestions.
What's important is that we go, we bring along what we need for a three or four day trip and we bring along whatever substances may be needed to help us find bigfoot.
If you're concerned about undertaking such an endeavour in these uncertain times, consider it a health trip. You will feel invigorated, refreshed and have a renewed sense of purpose once you've gone on such a quest. I speak from firsthand knowledge. Just read the post on the great white shark trip . I'm still getting occasional tingles thinking about that one... at least I hope that's what's making me tingle.
Either way, who's with me? Let's do this thing in 2009!
I don't believe in UFO Conspiracies. Roswell has a logical explanation (Project Mogul if you're interested). Besides, the government can't even run a war without screwing things up and leaking information everywhere. There's no way they could consistently cover up something as big as having UFOs in a hangar somewhere.
I don't believe in the Loch Ness Monster. That lake has been sonar scanned to death and it's just not possible for a dinosaur to live off the amount of food living in it. That Scots are seeing monsters in lakes does not surprise me one bit given the potency of their fine, fine whiskeys.
Fairies, elves, 50-foot snakes, honest politicians, the right of pre-emptive war, giant spiders, trolls, etc. are all completely ridiculous and there's no way in hell they exist.
However... I think Bigfoot is real. So is Mokele Mbembe if you're wondering.
Why do I think this?
Well because scientifically, they haven't been completely ruled out yet. That means that technically it's still possible that they exist and honestly, that's enough for me.
Now, that may not seem important to you, but to me it's more important than almost anything else! You see, one of the things that I'm personally conflicted over is reconciling my need to absorb as much information as possible with my desire to still live in a world where there is at least some sense of mystery.
So I believe Bigfoot is real because I want to believe it's real.
When I was a kid (in the 1970s for those keeping score) Bigfoot went nationwide as a phenomenon. Sightings were in the papers, books were written and were best sellers, people I knew in Florida swore to me that they'd seen similar things in the swamps when hunting. All of this sparked my imagination like nothing else. It didn't matter if everyone was lying or not. The fact was, I thought there was something out there that was new and undiscovered and it consumed me.
There's a lot of unspoiled wilderness still left out there. There are plenty
of places where people still say they've encountered something they can't explain and there are plenty of scientists who, while stating they don't actually believe Bigfoot exists, do concede that if it did exist, it would be able to survive in these areas.
The thought that something that big could remain undiscovered in the age of satellite imagery, laser beams and internet pornography really sparks my inner 9-year-old.
Which is exactly why I think it's imperative that a small group of us go looking for it.
Let me explain myself. There are all kinds of people out there who are looking to find this thing for all the wrong reasons. My favorite to read about can be found at www.bfro.net . Here's a link to a sighting just this past November that takes place mere miles from where I grew up. It's all very matter of fact, claims are properly investigated and the research is scientifically founded, but they rarely come up with anything beyond footprints and they only occasionally get those.
While I admire their dedication, there's no way I'd go out with them to look for one of these things. Mainly because they're way too serious and honestly, a little on the douchey side.
I want to reiterate that I'm not in this to bring back physical proof of bigfoot and make a name for myself. I just want to see one, hopefully while sober and then walk away. That's why I'm proposing a full on expedition by complete amateurs who only want to hike, camp and have fun... but just do it in an area where people have seen Bigfoot.
You see, I have a theory. After reading multiple accounts of sightings, I've come to the conclusion that if we act like we don't want to see one, apparently we'll be partying with them in no time. Once that happens, we can offer them a couple of drinks, maybe trade funny stories about scaring the shit out of campers and then they go their way and we can head back to civilization.
It's essentially a foolproof plan and as you can see, I've put a ton of thought into it.
There are a number of places we can go if we want to find some of these things, including northern California, Washington, Texas and Arkansas. There's even that kickass fish camp up in Canada that Monsterquest spent time at. That place is practically crawling with them but it's hard to get to.
I'm inclined to want to go somewhere here on the West Coast but that's because it's easier for me, but I'm open to suggestions.
What's important is that we go, we bring along what we need for a three or four day trip and we bring along whatever substances may be needed to help us find bigfoot.
If you're concerned about undertaking such an endeavour in these uncertain times, consider it a health trip. You will feel invigorated, refreshed and have a renewed sense of purpose once you've gone on such a quest. I speak from firsthand knowledge. Just read the post on the great white shark trip . I'm still getting occasional tingles thinking about that one... at least I hope that's what's making me tingle.
Either way, who's with me? Let's do this thing in 2009!
Friday, January 2, 2009
Alive and sort of well in 2009
Being sick sucks. Especially when it coincides with a two week vacation from work. I've been healthy the entire year and the day after my company closed for Xmas break, I ended up with a chest cold that prevented me from diving or doing anything but sleep, eat and watch football.
Okay, it could have been worse I suppose.
One thing the combination of cold medicines and boredom made me do was consider what to me is a rock and roll enigma.
What's so fucking great about Queen?
Okay, yeah, I get it. There are some songs with big hooks ("Fat Bottom Girls", "Another One Bites The Dust", "We Will Rock You", etc.) and yeah, the singer had a great voice and was openly gay which I admire, etc.
But who, in their right mind, can sit and listen to the entire Jazz album or Night At The Opera and not get bored out of their friggin' skulls before the end of them? Sure there are a few gems in there but the rest of it is pure torture to listen to, at least in my mind.
So if you're a Queen fan, please lay it out to me. What's the big friggin' deal?
While you're at it, a dissertation on why Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" should be considered a classic instead of just another seven minute guitar jackoff would be appreciated also.
Happy New Year!
Okay, it could have been worse I suppose.
One thing the combination of cold medicines and boredom made me do was consider what to me is a rock and roll enigma.
What's so fucking great about Queen?
Okay, yeah, I get it. There are some songs with big hooks ("Fat Bottom Girls", "Another One Bites The Dust", "We Will Rock You", etc.) and yeah, the singer had a great voice and was openly gay which I admire, etc.
But who, in their right mind, can sit and listen to the entire Jazz album or Night At The Opera and not get bored out of their friggin' skulls before the end of them? Sure there are a few gems in there but the rest of it is pure torture to listen to, at least in my mind.
So if you're a Queen fan, please lay it out to me. What's the big friggin' deal?
While you're at it, a dissertation on why Led Zeppelin's "Whole Lotta Love" should be considered a classic instead of just another seven minute guitar jackoff would be appreciated also.
Happy New Year!
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